Around the World in a Bad Mood! by Rene Foss

Author:Rene Foss
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Hyperion

I Hate Everything

THE SCENE: A crowded airplane. Delayed flight out of major East Coast city. It’s Friday afternoon, there’s a sense of chaos in the air. In seat 7B sits an uptight man, mid-­thirties. He’s had a bad day. His investment portfolio is not doing well, he had a fight with his boss, and he didn’t sleep well the night before. His demeanor brings to mind that of an agitated bull.

ENTER: A stressed-out businesswoman, dressed in black and carrying a leather bag with her laptop and piles of papers that overflow the bag. She is barking into her cell phone: “That is not acceptable and you better have it straightened out by Monday. I don’t care if it takes you all weekend!” She is looking for her seat.

WOMAN: Is that seat 7A? (pointing to open seat next to the window)

MAN: I guess so.

WOMAN: I asked for an aisle seat. Are you sure you’re in the right seat?

MAN: Positive.

WOMAN: I hate this airline; they can never do anything right.

She throws her bag on to the floor and then plops down in a big huff next to the agitated bull.

WOMAN: God, I hate flying. Don’t you hate flying? Look at how crowded it is, everyone is flying.

Someone coming down the aisle bangs the man’s head with an oversized piece of carry-on luggage.

MAN: Ow, watch it, pal.

The other passenger, unaware of his transgression, looks at him and apologizes bewilderedly.

MAN: Don’t you hate people? Dumb clumsy people. God, I hate people.

WOMAN: Yeah, I hate people.

MAN: Are you gonna keep that bag there the entire flight?

WOMAN: I don’t know. Are you going to keep your shoes off the entire flight?

MAN: None of your business. Yup, I really hate people. (He glares at her.)

They remain in their own worlds until after takeoff. The flight attendants are now coming through the aisle with their beverage carts.

WOMAN: Finally, we’re going to get something to drink around here.

MAN: Yeah, it’s about time.

F/A: Care for something to drink, sir?

MAN: Yeah, I’d like a nice cold beer.

F/A: Yeah, so would I. . . . Here. (She slams it down.)

Man sips beer. It’s warm.

MAN: Jesus! Don’t you hate warm beer?

WOMAN: Served with such great cheer?

MAN: What’s there to like here?

WOMAN: Nothing at all . . .

WOMAN:I hate Pepsi, I hate Coke,

And people who can’t take a joke.

I hate Starbucks, I hate pearls,

I hate boys who want to be girls,

I hate weekend coffee clutch,

I hate HMOs so much,

I hate flying on a jet,

and I hate the Internet!

God, I really hate my job,

TV shows about the mob,

Bottled water, sushi too,

Oprah’s book club

How ’bout you?

MAN:I can’t stand yuppies or soft, fluffy puppies.

Hate New York City, humor that’s witty.

God, I hate tofu, Jerry Seinfeld, Leno, Letterman,

Star Wars, too.

WOMAN: You really hate Letterman?

MAN: Yeah, I really do.

WOMAN: I’ve never met anybody who hates Letterman. . . . Everybody else loves him.

MAN: I can’t stand all that . . .

WOMAN: Hype?

MAN: Yeah . . . hype.

WOMAN: Speaking of hype, what about the Oscars?

MAN: The worst!

WOMAN: You know what I really hate?

TOGETHER: Technology.

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